Thoughts for Thursday.

Today I feel like my mind is on hyper-drive, so today, I'm just going to write.

Yesterday, I found out I have two sick friends. One has health insurance, the other doesn't. We're talking surgical-measures-must-be-taken-and-many-many-tests-and-follow-ups sick. It makes me worried and thankful at the same time. B and I haven't had any bouts with sickness (knock on wood), but that's something we take for granted at our age. Still, it emphasizes the need to be well, eat well, and (above all) have health insurance. We do.

On the health front, I've been pretty much the same weight-wise. I suppose this is a good thing; no increase is a good thing. Still, I know I could be much more fit, having BEEN much more fit 2 years ago and again last summer for our wedding. Two weeks ago, I began trying to do most of our meals again. I mean, I had been making most our meals, but I was doing a lot of unhealthy shortcuts-- cheeses, the lazy night when we'd order pizza, etc.

But this week in particular, I made a meal plan and I stuck to it. I made it before my shopping trip, so I'd know exactly what to buy. Not only did our food bill go down, but the food was prepared the way I want to eat: Healthily and from scratch. No, I'm not obese. My BMI ranges on the upper end of the healthy range, though, occasionally, it dips one point above. My point is, I am at a point where I can lose healthily and happily and not need/want to crash diet.

And really, eventually I want to have kids... but I want to be healthy and fit beforehand. I know I'll gain weight in a pregnancy, but I don't want to be trying to be a new mom and then also be trying to lose pregnancy weight plus another 20lbs. I hope that having a healthy and active lifestyle before will make it easier to maintain a healthy and active lifestyle after. Yes, I know kidlets tend to wreck havoc on the best laid intentions with the veracity of a tornado, but one can lay hopeful plans, right?

On the job front, right now, we're having to pay my taxes quarterly (since I'm an independent contractor), and that, let me tell you, BLOWS. There's a job I really want in town, but I'm worried I may be looked at as too young for the position. I'm giving it my best shot though. More and more I realize that I need to get a better job. I like the job I have now, but I consistently feel it is just a holding place for something better... I suppose I should feel that way because it IS! I don't see the firm hiring me on as permanent. They need to hire on new blood, but, well, they're dragging their feet on doing so. That's understandable, since it's been the same group of guys for a long while. So, they fill a niche for me, I fill a niche for them. But I want a career, not a niche. Still, this niche will serve me well while I look.

On the animal front, Paddington isn't well. He has sore gums. I thought they were merely inflamed but not bugging him, but then last night he was meowing/screaching/coughing and batting his mouth. I basically sat on him and pried his mouth open, and there was blood. My poor boy. Luckily, I convinced the vet last time I was there (with Rumpole) to give me some more medicine for Paddington in case he needed it. So begins the doses for Pads. He will hate me. But perhaps he will love me again when he is presented with wet food for a week. You can win that cat over through his tummy, I swear.

Last night I found myself thinking about kids. Yes, I would like one, but I also know that we need to wait. But I got depressed thinking about my parents and calculating out how old they will be when a kid is x age. I loved my grandparents (and love my grandmother), and I want my kids to have so much time with them. But then there's the Jess and B need to wait thing. It tugs at my heartstrings. B's parents are older than mine, so there's pain there too. No, they're not sick or going away anytime soon (knock on wood), but of course they will age. I dunno. It's ridiculous to think about because it is really just self-torture.

And then there's B, whom I love so much. As "fit hitting the shan" goes, we've had a lot happen in year 1 of marriage. We're fine-- no worries, but I wish things had been easier so that we could have appreciated each other more. So often, I feel like chaotic situations forced me into a commander position, where I had to be bossy, make decisions, and change things around. Now that we are more settled, I find it hard to relinquish that position, but I'm trying really hard. I wish B knew how hard I was trying. I'm so mad at the various things that have happened to us this past year. I wish I could go back in time and make those not happen so that we could just enjoy being newlyweds without having to deal with so much crud. Yes, it's made us stronger, but it's also made us pretty exhausted. Always having to climb a hill is pretty tiresome stuff.

But I love my life now. Yes, there's the job stuff, above, but we're in a good place, with good people, and a good life. There is baggage from having to sort through all the stuff that happened this year, but it's happening. Strange thing is, I now feel like a newlywed. I guess that's what chaos does.

So that's where I stand. Emotionally spent, tired, frustrated, happy, and worried, searching after the elusive "satisfied." Once in a while, I get overcome with this feeling of "all is right with and in the world." That's been coming more and more often, so hopefully, I'm on the right track.